“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” —Seneca
From the time we are young, it seems we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. Even as kids, we compare our grades, our speed, our clothes, our toys, even the size of the house owned by our parents.
As we grow older, the comparisons might shift but the habit remains the same. We start comparing careers, talents, homes, vacations, even the successes of our children. In fact, according to some studies, 10 percent of our thoughts involve comparisons of some kind.
It has been argued by some psychologists that comparison can have some positive effects on us. And I suppose that is true to some extent.
But there is also a dangerous side. Constant comparison of ourselves to others feeds into a cycle of envy, discontent, and dissatisfaction.
In fact, the very root of envy is found when we look at what other people have. Whenever we compare our money, our possessions, or ourselves to others, we plant the seeds of envy in our hearts.
Comparison is the fertile ground within which jealousy and envy can grow.
In fact, jealousy and envy could not even exist if we weren’t looking at what other people have. If we spent 0% of our thoughts looking at the things of others, there would be no root for envy to grow upon.
If we just loved people for being people, rather than comparing our fortunes to theirs, jealousy would lack the oxygen to survive.
Without comparison, jealousy cannot exist. Envy and jealousy come from counting others’ blessings instead of our own.
Equally so, the opposite is also true. The more we focus on the good in our own lives, the less room we leave for jealousy to grow.
And there is always good in our lives. There is always something to be grateful for. Some days those blessings may be harder to find and recognize, but they are always there to be counted.
Gratitude shifts our focus from what we lack to what we have. It spurs thankfulness and contentment rather than jealousy and envy. And this shift in perspective is both life-changing and life-giving.
Consider the story of two friends attending a dinner party. One friend spends the entire evening focused on the host’s obviously new kitchen appliances, the expensive cars parked out on the street, the big-screen television in the living room, even the carefully curated family photos on the wall. He quietly compares these details to his own home. The other friend, however, focuses fully on the people at the party, the conversations, the laughter, and the reason for the celebration. By the end of the evening, who will leave feeling grateful and who will leave feeling envious?
And what if the pattern continues day and after day, year after year? Who will live a contented life? And whose will increase in jealousy, envy, and bitterness?
You see, jealousy and envy only exist when we focus on what others have
Of course, in a culture that constantly bombards us with images of others’ successes and possessions, it can be difficult to maintain this perspective (especially in a society that tends to lift up the individual over the whole).
Additionally, social media, advertisements, and even casual conversations can bring about feelings of inadequacy and envy. But we always have the power to change our focus. By intentionally choosing to count our own blessings, we can discipline ourselves to cultivate a sense of gratitude and contentment.
Here’s a simple exercise to help all of us shift our focus and reduce jealousy in our lives:
Before closing out of this article, set a timer for just two minutes. Then, close your eyes and answer this question: “What are three things in my life that I am truly grateful for?” Let your mind wander through the various aspects of your life—faith, relationships, health, experiences, even small joys and significant milestones.
When the timer goes off, write down those three things on a sheet of paper or as a note in your phone. Then, keep that list somewhere close to you all day today. Every time you think of something else you are grateful for, add it to your list. Make it your goal today to intentionally think about all the good things in your life. If, at any point, you catch yourself wishing you had something you don’t, go back to your list and force yourself to add to it at least one more item.
Then, at the end of the day, close your list. And start a brand new one tomorrow.
