When I first heard of tantric love and sex, otherwise known as slow sex or cool sex (as opposed to hot sex) I thought, “That sounds boring!” We humans can be a bit change resistant – okay, very change resistant – leery of trying something unfamiliar. We’ll think, “If it was any good why haven’t I heard of it? Cosmo and Esquire haven’t featured it.”
The concept was so foreign it might as well have been from another planet compared to our society’s depictions of “great” sex as hard, fast, animalistic, and usually a bit guilty, naughty, or even violent and abusive — basically, the opposite of “spiritual.”
It was another 20 years before I gave sex and love that focused on energy, not just physical bodies, another glance, and I can tell you now, I wish I’d let it in much earlier in life. To sing just a few of its praises: It works beautifully for a woman’s much slower pace of arousal and climax, helps a man forget performance pressure and thus remedies erectile dysfunction, and allows sex to stay good in long relationships and even into old age.
No one taught us how to make love.
Unfortunately most of our love/sex ed came from movies, books, magazines, and porn. It’s true that spiritual sex would make very boring movies because the best part of it is the energy, and energy is invisible.
Traditional sex makes for vivid action scenes on film because it’s more about bumping bodies together. Visually, spiritual sex would be about as interesting as watching paint dry because you can’t see the sublime, subtle energy circulating between two souls who happen to have bodies. Actually modern special effects could pull it off – someone should do it!
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Looking back now it’s easy to see how media misguided us and taught us to ignore our own natural sensitivities. It left so many, especially women, frustrated, unfulfilled and puzzled at why it doesn’t work like the media says it should.
So many spiritual paths just don’t give any useful guidance on sexual love or mention it at all.
Spiritual sex seemed like an oxymoron, sort of like peaceful punk rock.
This still seems bizarre to me: I’ve easily read 500 romance novels, and not a single one mentions slow, blissful, energy-sensitive sex. It would work in books because because a good writer can make you feel deeply. That total absence is inconceivable, considering that spiritual love and sex is much juicier, more loving, bonding, satisfying, and pleasurable than the traditional sex that dominates book publishing.
My most essential definition of spiritual is “the energy beyond the physical.” Spiritual is the Non-Physical world that is so much larger, more powerful, and more vibrant than the physical world. It expands our awareness of who we are. There is no universal agreement on what constitutes spiritual love and sex, or even tantric sex — there are many varieties out there. My perspective is shaped by my own brand of tantra, The Art of Love and Sex.
Spiritual sex focuses on the energy first, and the actions and pleasure follow.
Traditional sex is based on physical stimulation, and the pleasure comes from the “actions.”
Breasts are the key to her arousal
A delightful, life-changing realization for most couples is that the breasts are the key to a woman’s arousal, not her clitoris. Modern men have been taught the “sure-fire-trick” to go straight for the clitoris now, and sadly, in doing that he never even begins to awaken her deep feminine energy. That gets skipped.
So they pull out the lubricant, not realizing that if she is not naturally lubricating, her energy is nowhere near ready for lovemaking.
A woman who’s had the pleasure of becoming sensitized to the natural flow of energy in her body will often find clitoral stimulation irritating and unsettling to her energy. She may feel a strange sense of being “forced to orgasm!”
Men, just holding a woman’s breasts gently awakens her sexual energy and allows love to flow between you more freely, then be sensitive to how she wants to be touched. Traditional sex tells you to “do some action,” but tune into and feel her energy and you will be rewarded!
The Inner Garden
Few men discover this secret key to a woman’s deepest pleasure and most profoundly satisfying orgasm: The Inner Garden at the very back of her vagina. The myth that all gynecologists swear by, that there is little to no sensation in the vagina, is totally wrong. But first the man may have to help her to desensitize the area if years of literally pounding on it with “hot sex” have made it numb.
Ecstasy can happen when her Inner Garden is awakened and the subtle energy flows between her and her man.
He may be desensitized too, and he can help them both recover their lost ability to feel exquisite subtleties by entering her gently and just touching the Inner Garden’s deepest limit, then pulling back mere millimeters and being still for good periods of time. A most amazing electrical charge naturally flows between the feminine and masculine polarities. If you’re new at this, give it time and enjoy with a spirit of exploration and openness.
Woman receives her man’s energy through her vagina, the negative pole of her energy magnet. She gives energy to him through the positive pole, her breasts.
Man gives energy through the positive pole of his energy magnet, his penis. He receives from her breasts into his heart, his negative, receptive energy pole. They fit together like magnets and the energy flows between them, increasing as it circulates.
When he is very present in every moment with how he feels and how she is responding, the pleasure builds. Lying joined while gazing into each others’ eyes increases intimacy.
Contrast the two styles:
Traditional sex | Tantric sex |
Physical focus | Energy focus |
Hot and fast | Slow and cool |
Orgasm is the goal | Sustained pleasure and connection is the only purpose; there is no goal |
Excitement, forced stimulation | Depth of subtle sensation and love connection |
Desensitizes and requires more stimulation over time | Sensitizes, allowing for deeper pleasure over time |
Performance pressure on the man to “make it happen” | No pressure, no goal orientation |
Orgasm is a short peak, can be exhausting for the man | Orgasms can be long and sustained, the “valley orgasm”, male orgasm without ejaculation doesn’t drain him |
Intensity with one person tends to decrease over time | Couples can sustain satisfaction long term and go deeper |
Mental and body | Emotion, body, energy body |
Tantra can be a spiritual path in itself if you wish. There’s always more depth to discover and explore with your partner.
One more surprise for you: Traditional sex encourages you to stimulate to increase mental excitement. Fantasizing is encouraged to get your mind more excited.
True tantra never needs fantasy and indeed discourages it, because then you’re off in your own head, not present in your body and sensitive to the energy and pleasure that is right there. Notice when making love that fantasy throws you completely out of touch with your partner!
Long term, the rewards of slow, cool sex are great. You avoid too much excitement in cool sex to make the pleasure last. As you feel each other more deeply, your love connection grows naturally instead of needing ever-increasing stimulation and newness.
Tantra is a bit like meditation where you let go of the need to be “doing something” or thinking all of the time. You get out of your head and into your heart.
The most spiritual benefit of all: making love becomes more like a meditation: still and quiet at times, subtle, and deeply nourishing. You can even have cosmic experiences, but don’t grasp for anything! Stay present, enjoy and let it unfold.
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About the author: Lola Jones is a spiritual teacher and healer who has helped men and women in 150 countries to know Spirit intimately, get happy, healthy, and fulfilled.
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