Why I Relapsed …and How to Avoid It
By Patti Clark
I’m Patti and I’m an addict. I got clean and sober the first time in 1988, two days before my thirtieth birthday. I wanted to start a family, and I knew that my addiction was a real obstacle to being a good mother. I knew this as a fact, since my own mother died of alcoholism when I was sixteen. I went to my first 12 step meeting determined to not be my mother! I read the books, I worked with a great sponsor, I was determined … and then I got a bit arrogant and stopped going to meetings. I figured I could have a couple of drinks occasionally and I’d be fine. My sons were older and in school and all the other mothers got together after school to have wine on their decks while the kids played together. I felt confident that I was in control … until I wasn’t. After almost thirteen years of sobriety, I started drinking again and soon was out of control; hiding my drinking, driving drunk and doing everything I swore I would never do. It took me over thirteen years of trying to drink like a normal person, until I admitted again that I was indeed an alcoholic.
When I got sober again in 2014, I decided to do some research about why so many women in recovery relapse. I interviewed women I met at meetings that had relapsed and read several articles about relapse (Psychology Today; National Library of Medicine; Alcohol and Drug Foundation to name a few) What I learned didn’t really surprise me, I had been there, it was visceral.
The main reasons I heard and read about seemed to fit loosely into five categories:
- Emotional and Psychological Stress
Women seem to be more impacted by emotional and psychological stress such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Many women I spoke to felt higher levels of depression and anxiety when they stopped drinking and using drugs. The use of drugs and alcohol helped to ease the anxiety. And if they did not seek help through counselling or other forms of therapy, the emotional distress they felt often lead to relapse as a way to self-medicate. Women I spoke to also described increasing levels sadness and loneliness when they stopped drinking which triggered a return to substance use.
- Social and Environmental Pressures
Research seems to show that women often face higher levels of social stigma related to addiction, which can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation. These feelings of guilt and shame can lead to relapse.
- Hormonal and Biological Factors
Research also showed that biological factors can work against women as well. Hormonal fluctuations related to menstrual cycles, pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause can impact mood and emotional stability, making women more vulnerable to relapse than men.
- Socioeconomic Challenges
Economic instability and financial pressures can be a significant source of stress which can lead to relapse. Women, especially women with families, are often more dependent economically on others. Many women I spoke to were single mothers and the financial stress was often a big factor in their relapse.
5. Relationship Issues
The biggest cause of relapse among the women I spoke to was some kind of dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Women described trying to stay clean and sober when their partner continued to use, or described meeting someone outside of recovery which lead to their relapse. Some women explained that domestic abuse lead to their relapse. And almost every woman I spoke to described some level of homelife stress leading to their relapse: i.e. trying to manage home and family responsibilities, such as childcare, elder care and balancing home and work without adequate support.
My own research and experience led me to understand a few strategies to help me and others stay clean and sober. The first thing I had to recognize is that one size does not fit all, and that I found that I needed to focus on things that worked for me as a woman.
Women I spoke to described having to develop healthy coping strategies; a few of the most common strategies were mindfulness, exercise, and creative outlets.
Some women said that they needed accessible treatment options. Treatment options available for women on a limited income, preferable ones that could offer childcare and gender-specific services.
And lastly, and I believe most importantly, I and most of the women I spoke to, needed a strong support network. Building strong, supportive relationships was the one issue that every woman I spoke to agreed upon. Some women found the support they longed for in 12-step groups. However, some women found that certain 12-step groups were quite patriarchal, archaic and even antagonistic. I personally found that I needed to create a new 12-step group in the small town I lived in; one that focused on emotional sobriety and was welcoming to the emotional needs of women. .
Doing my own research and talking to women who had relapsed helped me understand and address the unique factors that contribute to relapse in women. And it helped me to create a recovery community where I felt safe and supported; one that promoted long-term recovery, where I could thrive.
Author Bio:
Author Patti Clark has been described as a cross between Elizabeth Gilbert and Julia Cameron. Patti is an award winning, international best-selling author, accomplished speaker and workshop leader. This Way Up: Seven Tools for Unleashing Your Creative Self and Transforming Your Life was winner of International Excellence Self-Help Book of the Year. Patti has been featured on various TV shows and podcasts, including TVNZ’s Breakfast Show; and her work has been featured in numerous publications including The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, The Mindful Word, and Thrive Global. Her own experience as a middle-aged woman in recovery is deeply reflected in her new book, Recovery Road Trip: Finding Purpose and Connection on the Journey Home.
Patti was born and raised in Northern California, received her B.A. from U.C. Berkeley, her M.A. in Education; she travelled extensively and taught in Japan, Togo West Africa, Costa Rica and various states in the US. She lived in New Zealand for many years and is now living in Portugal.
