“No man is free who is not master of himself.” —Epictetus
Of all the things we seek to control in life, none is more important than the self. And none may be more difficult.
If you control the self, you control your life and your future. Fail to control it, and something else will. Because without self-control, we are left defenseless against almost every passing desire.
Of course, before we can learn how to develop self-control, we need to know what it is.
Interestingly, every dictionary I checked defined self-control a little bit differently. Some focused on just the negatives: Restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires.
Another defined it as: The quality that allows you to stop yourself from doing things you want to do but that might not be in your best interest.
Both are fine. But the definition in Psychology Today may be my favorite—or at least what I have in mind while writing about it: Self-control is the ability to manage one’s impulses, emotions, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals.
I like that definition because controlling ourselves should include both refusing to do the things that don’t serve us and accomplishing the things that do. Both move us toward the life we want.
Self-control, just like love, joy, and peace, is something that we all desire to be true of ourselves. And for good reason. One study followed more than 1,000 children into adulthood and found that self-control was one of the strongest predictors of better health and greater wealth—regardless of intelligence or social status.
I’m sure self-control has never been easy to develop. Epictetus (quoted above) lived 2,000 years ago and wrote about the importance and struggle of controlling one’s actions, responses, and impulses.
But in our world today, where advertisers, influencers, social media feeds, and politicians can reach us 24 hours a day with ever-increasing sophistication and profit from our impulses, growing in self-control is even more difficult. Our passions, selves, and resources are relentlessly under attack.
But all of us can grow in self-control. If that is your desire, here’s how to do it:
1. Believe it is possible.
All positive change begins with the words “I can.”
Some people have already decided that they simply lack willpower. Sometimes it is in small things (“That’s just who I am”) and sometimes it is in big things (“I’m just bad at self-control.”)
But that is a defeatist attitude. Believing it to be true of ourselves ends our development before it even starts. In fact, in one study, students who believed willpower runs out ate junk food 24% more often and procrastinated 35% more than students who believed otherwise.
Of course you can develop greater self-control. All of us can. And it doesn’t come easily for anyone. Your predisposition doesn’t have to be your future. You can change. Believe it.
2. Start with the little things.
When we are disciplined with the little things, we learn the skills and mindset to become disciplined in the big things.
Your first step toward greater self-control is to practice in the smallest moments of your day: put down your phone when you get into bed, make the bed in the morning, go for a walk around the block, close the Internet browser and walk away before making the purchase.
Each of these is small. Together, they remind you that you are capable of choosing. And that confidence carries over into bigger decisions.
3. Hold a healthy understanding of the consequences.
I once had a mentor explain how to resist temptation. His advice: “You resist immorality with self-control and by keeping a healthy understanding of the consequences.”
Thirty years later, I consider it one of the most helpful pieces of advice I have ever received about living a moral life. And I think it is a key phrase in developing self-control. When we keep a healthy understanding of the consequences of our actions, we find the motivation to say no.
If we don’t stop smoking, our health will suffer. If we don’t eat healthy, exercise, or go to bed on time, our bodies and minds will pay the price. If we don’t stop shopping, we’ll sink deeper and deeper into debt. If we aren’t faithful to our spouses, our entire family will suffer.
Some consequences of our negative actions are immediate, but many grow and compound over time. Consider what they are. Keep them in front of you. And use that reality to help you say no (or yes) when needed.
4. Get clear on what you want your life to look like.
In his wonderful book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey wrote that highly effective people “begin with the end in mind.”
By that, he meant starting with a clear understanding of our destination, knowing where we want our life to end up so the steps we take today move us in the right direction.
Self-control works the same way. A healthy understanding of the consequences reminds us what we are running from. A clear picture of the life we want reminds us what we are running toward.
So picture the end. Who do you want to be ten years from now? What do you want your life to stand for? When we know the answer, self-control becomes easier.
5. Remove the temptation.
The easiest temptation to resist is the one you never face.
In fact, one study found that people with high self-control actually resist temptation less often than everyone else. They just arrange their lives so they face fewer temptations in the first place!
Sometimes the wisest response to temptation is to simply walk away.
(Interestingly, the same study found that being around other people also increased self-restraint.)
6. Replace the negative with the positive.
Nature abhors a vacuum. It is good to resolve “not to do x.” But research shows that the best way to avoid x is to replace it with y. When we remove a bad habit, it leaves an empty space behind. And empty spaces rarely stay empty for long.
That’s why starting something new is often easier. As an example, one study followed more than 1,000 people for a year and found that those whose New Year’s resolutions focused on starting something new succeeded 59% of the time (compared to 47% for those focused on stopping something).
So rather than resolving to stop scrolling at night, decide to read before bed. Rather than vowing to stop shopping on the weekends, plan a Saturday morning outdoors with your family. Give your heart something better to pursue.
7. Give yourself grace when you slip.
Nobody develops self-control perfectly. You will slip. Everyone does. Nobody is perfect. What matters is that you don’t give up. You only lose yourself if you stop fighting for control of it.
So be gracious and forgiving. As a matter of fact, in one study, students who forgave themselves for procrastinating before one exam procrastinated less before the next.
Admit failure. Learn from it. And begin again. Self-control is grown over a lifetime and we work to get better each day.
Self-control has never been easy. And in a world working overtime to profit from our impulses, it may be harder today than ever before.
But the reward is worth every bit of the effort. Because we only get one life to live—so we might as well be in control of it.
